Search Me Oh God

Search me Oh God
Search me and find
Any way in me

that does not reflect Your purity
Refine me Oh God
In the fire of Your gaze
That I might be holy

in all of my ways
Take me deeper Lord
Draw me closer Lord…

I have sung this song many times over the years and I have meant every word. I tend to think more about the 'take me deeper, draw me closer' part the most, though, because I often don't feel very close to Him.

The last year or two have been a bit of a struggle for me. I've questioned more, doubted more, prayed more, prayed less, felt guilty, felt hopeless, felt hope. I have become so aware of how despicable I am. I have wallowed in feelings of self-loathing. I have been anxious and desperate. I cry out 'take me deeper, draw me closer'.

In the midst of this, though, I have come to realize that my struggles do not mean God is farther away, instead, I have realized he IS drawing closer! How else do I know how sinful I am except by God's examination? I forgot that when I sing that song, I am also singing "Search me and find any way in me that does not reflect Your purity" and oh boy, is He answering my prayer! Knowing this gives me hope! He IS listening to the cries of my heart. He is showing me myself, AND He is showing me that he LOVES ME ANYWAY. Praise Yahweh! Even though it doesn't always feel like it, He is here and moving in my life. He is refining me in His fire so that I CAN draw deeper and nearer to Him. Thank you, Jesus!